reflections: breastfeeding lately

I love this
I’m over this
I want to stop
I want to keep going
I’m ready
and I’m also not

I’m grateful
and proud
and annoyed
and tired

I love the connection
and want my space
I love the bonding
and want a break

something so mindless
and also always in the back of my mind
something so easy
and also something that has been complicated
something I’ve done before
and also something that feels entirely new

I never had
a plan
a goal
a timeline
I’m surprised we’ve gone this long
and also
not surprised at all

I want my body to be my own
I want autonomy
I want independence
and yet there’s nowhere else I’d rather be

I know I’ll miss this
the familiarity
the pause in our day
the calm, for both of us

it feels like just yesterday this all began
but here we are, 341 days in
almost one full year,
no end in sight.

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