reflections: the loss of autonomy

reflections: the loss of autonomy

I’ve raised my voice at my kids. I’ve had adult temper tantrums. I’ve blamed my kids for my bad attitude and for sometimes just…doing things children do. I’ve had days where I didn’t like the way I showed up as a mom. I’m not as patient as I want to be. I’ve been so frustrated and annoyed and OVER IT. I was telling my therapist about a particularly bad day — one where I blew it as a mom. I cried as I told her I don’t want to be like this — an angry “bad mom.” She gently said, “you’re not a bad mom. […]

some thoughts on jeans

some thoughts on jeans

I’m wearing the jeans I bought a couple weeks postpartum after having Lucy a couple years ago. My pre-pregnancy jeans didn’t fit; these were two sizes up from my “normal” size. They have since been coined my “postpartum jeans.” Except now, one year after having my second child, these fit me better than my “normal” jeans. Normal being what I used to fit into pre-babies. And what I fit into after babies at one point or another. But now – I think these jeans are my new normal. And that’s okay. It’s okay if your body fluctuates and changes. It’s okay if you don’t fit […]

reflections before my daughter’s first birthday

reflections before my daughter’s first birthday

I’m planning a first birthday party for my daughter and the only party attendees live in our house. I’m watching my daughter, whose blue eyes sparkle and personality changes every day, grow right in front of me, yet most people only see her through a screen. I’m rocking my daughter to sleep in the middle of the night because she is teething and it feels like just yesterday we rocked her for every single nap. And now she sleeps on her own, all by herself, except times like now where she just needs mama. I’m grieving what I wanted, expected, planned, assumed, hoped her first […]

reflections: Winnie, 2020

reflections: Winnie, 2020

she hasn’t been inside a restaurant, to the art museum, to an appointment with two parents, or to the beach she hasn’t been on an airplane, to the library, to a party, or to her grandparents house she hasn’t met most of our friends, many of our family everyone instead saw her grow and change through a phone screen. she’ll never know what she missed what she didn’t have what could have been she’ll only know she was a bright spot, a reminder of hope, goodness, joy in the middle of a strange and hard year.

reflections: breastfeeding lately

reflections: breastfeeding lately

I love this I’m over this I want to stop I want to keep going I’m ready and I’m also not I’m grateful and proud and annoyed and tired I love the connection and want my space I love the bonding and want a break something so mindless and also always in the back of my mind something so easy and also something that has been complicated something I’ve done before and also something that feels entirely new I never had a plan a goal a timeline I’m surprised we’ve gone this long and also not surprised at all I want my body to be […]

reflections: One-on-One Time with My Toddler

reflections: One-on-One Time with My Toddler

I often share quick reflections over on my Instagram (#luckyandireflections) but want to re-share them on my blog too, so they have a more permanent place to live. A couple of weeks ago, Lucy and I had a spontaneous date, just us. We pass one of our favorite restaurants (she calls “the mac & cheese place”) all the time, but she hasn’t been there this year. We used do go almost weekly. We sat outside and ordered her favorite mac and cheese and fries and chatted about life — flowers, bunnies, school, Jack, the “very nice man” (our waiter). At the end, she looked at […]