THE CHRISTIAN OUTSIDER: FEELING “IN THE MIDDLE” & NEVER FITTING IN CHILDHOOD I grew up going to church. My dad was Catholic at the time, and often worked on Sundays, so my mom took us four girls to church by herself. That was my first time experiencing feeling “othered” at church. Everyone else showed up with both parents and I just came with one. I often felt ashamed that only one of my parents identified as Christan; somehow this made me feel “less than” or “not good enough” from an early age. That somehow my Christian experience wasn’t as good or true or deep because […]
I’m planning a first birthday party for my daughter and the only party attendees live in our house. I’m watching my daughter, whose blue eyes sparkle and personality changes every day, grow right in front of me, yet most people only see her through a screen. I’m rocking my daughter to sleep in the middle of the night because she is teething and it feels like just yesterday we rocked her for every single nap. And now she sleeps on her own, all by herself, except times like now where she just needs mama. I’m grieving what I wanted, expected, planned, assumed, hoped her first […]
she hasn’t been inside a restaurant, to the art museum, to an appointment with two parents, or to the beach she hasn’t been on an airplane, to the library, to a party, or to her grandparents house she hasn’t met most of our friends, many of our family everyone instead saw her grow and change through a phone screen. she’ll never know what she missed what she didn’t have what could have been she’ll only know she was a bright spot, a reminder of hope, goodness, joy in the middle of a strange and hard year.
I love this I’m over this I want to stop I want to keep going I’m ready and I’m also not I’m grateful and proud and annoyed and tired I love the connection and want my space I love the bonding and want a break something so mindless and also always in the back of my mind something so easy and also something that has been complicated something I’ve done before and also something that feels entirely new I never had a plan a goal a timeline I’m surprised we’ve gone this long and also not surprised at all I want my body to be […]
I often share quick reflections over on my Instagram (#luckyandireflections) but want to re-share them on my blog too, so they have a more permanent place to live. A couple of weeks ago, Lucy and I had a spontaneous date, just us. We pass one of our favorite restaurants (she calls “the mac & cheese place”) all the time, but she hasn’t been there this year. We used do go almost weekly. We sat outside and ordered her favorite mac and cheese and fries and chatted about life — flowers, bunnies, school, Jack, the “very nice man” (our waiter). At the end, she looked at […]
I often share quick reflections over on my Instagram (#luckyandireflections) but want to re-share them on my blog too, so they have a more permanent place to live. I miss library storytime, the art museum, YMCA childcare, aimless strolls around Target, weekday play dates, the Sunday afternoon singalong, playground meetups, anything to break up the mundane of motherhood. I miss my friends friends down the street, on the other side of town, across the country, around the world. I miss birthday parties, baby showers, weddings, girls’ weekends, holiday gatherings, all types of celebrations but mostly, hugs. I miss cozy, crowded restaurants, working from coffee shops, […]