This was originally shared on Instagram in March, but wanted to re-share it here, too. I took this photo several weeks ago, knowing that one of these times nursing would be one of the last times. Not sure when exactly and not having a set “stop date”, but having this sense we’d be wrapping up soon. You never really know or feel the depth of something being the last time until it’s already passed. But now I know: my 15 month chapter of nursing Winnie has come to an end. And it’s bittersweet, but also I’m very okay about it because I know she was […]
The news feels scary and sad and the weight of the world is heavy — wars and natural disasters and tragedy and sickness and loss and so much bad news. Everyone seems to be arguing and debating and taking sides and it sort of feels like walking on eggshells because you’ll make someone upset by what you do or say but also what you *don’t* do or say. When I feel overwhelmed by it all and that my anxiety might crush me, I try to take a step back and look around. I look around at my daughters — dancing and blowing bubbles and giggling […]
THE CHRISTIAN OUTSIDER: FEELING “IN THE MIDDLE” & NEVER FITTING IN CHILDHOOD I grew up going to church. My dad was Catholic at the time, and often worked on Sundays, so my mom took us four girls to church by herself. That was my first time experiencing feeling “othered” at church. Everyone else showed up with both parents and I just came with one. I often felt ashamed that only one of my parents identified as Christan; somehow this made me feel “less than” or “not good enough” from an early age. That somehow my Christian experience wasn’t as good or true or deep because […]
I’m planning a first birthday party for my daughter and the only party attendees live in our house. I’m watching my daughter, whose blue eyes sparkle and personality changes every day, grow right in front of me, yet most people only see her through a screen. I’m rocking my daughter to sleep in the middle of the night because she is teething and it feels like just yesterday we rocked her for every single nap. And now she sleeps on her own, all by herself, except times like now where she just needs mama. I’m grieving what I wanted, expected, planned, assumed, hoped her first […]
she hasn’t been inside a restaurant, to the art museum, to an appointment with two parents, or to the beach she hasn’t been on an airplane, to the library, to a party, or to her grandparents house she hasn’t met most of our friends, many of our family everyone instead saw her grow and change through a phone screen. she’ll never know what she missed what she didn’t have what could have been she’ll only know she was a bright spot, a reminder of hope, goodness, joy in the middle of a strange and hard year.
I love this I’m over this I want to stop I want to keep going I’m ready and I’m also not I’m grateful and proud and annoyed and tired I love the connection and want my space I love the bonding and want a break something so mindless and also always in the back of my mind something so easy and also something that has been complicated something I’ve done before and also something that feels entirely new I never had a plan a goal a timeline I’m surprised we’ve gone this long and also not surprised at all I want my body to be […]