motherhood + contradictions

motherhood, for me, is full of contradictions. I never knew how many conflicting thoughts and feelings I would have. I feel pulled in different directions emotionally, mentally, and often physically almost every day. 🤍

like desperately craving space and time alone, but then wishing I was holding and playing with them when they‘re asleep or we’re apart. wanting my girls to be more independent but feeling sad when they don’t need me in the same way.

wishing I was free of responsibility and could stay up late and sleep in, but feeling content and honored by the responsibility of being a mother. wanting to do my hair and wear cute clothes and go somewhere, but then wishing I was back home in cozy clothes on the floor with them when I leave.

hoping to get more things done and check more things off my to-do list, but knowing deep down that investing time in my daughters is the biggest accomplishment. that “wasting time” with them is the most rewarding thing I can do in a day.

feeling resentful, anxious, and overwhelmed, but grateful, happy, and at peace all in the same moment. being so annoyed and frustrated by my children, yet loving them so deeply that I feel like I might burst. regret and appreciation, anger and adoration alongside one another, doing a little dance together all day long.

missing my “old life” and being in love with my current reality. feeling trapped and stuck, but knowing I’m right where I belong. I feel so deeply full and yet so weary thin almost every day.

feeling like I’m failing and second guessing myself constantly, but also deep down knowing that while I’m not a perfect mom, I’m *the* perfect mom to Lucy and Winnie.

I think there’s societal pressure and expectation that parents should feel SO grateful for and obsessed with their kids. and I am. but it’s also unfair to expect people to love every single aspect of their life in every single moment. it’s important that we acknowledge that these contradictions are not bad — we can feel multiple things and have both positive and negative experiences all at once. nothing has been a bigger challenge or a greater reward than being a mother. ✨🌞