I’ve raised my voice at my kids. I’ve had adult temper tantrums. I’ve blamed my kids for my bad attitude and for sometimes just…doing things children do. I’ve had days where I didn’t like the way I showed up as a mom. I’m not as patient as I want to be. I’ve been so frustrated and annoyed and OVER IT.
I was telling my therapist about a particularly bad day — one where I blew it as a mom. I cried as I told her I don’t want to be like this — an angry “bad mom.” She gently said, “you’re not a bad mom. You’re not an angry person. I think you might be grieving the loss of your autonomy.”
It was an a-ha moment for me. I reach my limit easily because I’m craving independence. I’m grieving autonomy. My schedule is not my own. My time is not my own. My body is not my own.🤱🏼 My space is not my own. My decisions aren’t my own. I often have unrealistic expectations for what I can get done in a day while simultaneously taking care of two small children, which often leads to be projecting my disappointment, frustration, and anger out on them. I am giving so much to the people who are dependent on me and I want to get some of it back.
So what now? I own what happened and apologize to my kids after I lose it. I try to find time for myself, even if it’s just a few minutes. I lower my expectations for what I can accomplish. I embrace flexibility. I start again the next day. I give myself grace. ✨