reflections: the loss of autonomy

I’ve raised my voice at my kids. I’ve had adult temper tantrums. I’ve blamed my kids for my bad attitude and for sometimes just…doing things children do. I’ve had days where I didn’t like the way I showed up as a mom. I’m not as patient as I want to be. I’ve been so frustrated and annoyed and OVER IT.

I was telling my therapist about a particularly bad day — one where I blew it as a mom. I cried as I told her I don’t want to be like this — an angry “bad mom.” She gently said, “you’re not a bad mom. You’re not an angry person. I think you might be grieving the loss of your autonomy.”

It was an a-ha moment for me. I reach my limit easily because I’m craving independence. I’m grieving autonomy. My schedule is not my own. My time is not my own. My body is not my own.🤱🏼 My space is not my own. My decisions aren’t my own. I often have unrealistic expectations for what I can get done in a day while simultaneously taking care of two small children, which often leads to be projecting my disappointment, frustration, and anger out on them. I am giving so much to the people who are dependent on me and I want to get some of it back.

So what now? I own what happened and apologize to my kids after I lose it. I try to find time for myself, even if it’s just a few minutes. I lower my expectations for what I can accomplish. I embrace flexibility. I start again the next day. I give myself grace. ✨


Reflections Before My Daughter’s First Birthday

Reflections: Breastfeeding Lately

To the mamas with new babies, are pregnant, or trying to start or grow their families during a pandemic

Share Your Thoughts:

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

2 thoughts on “reflections: the loss of autonomy

  1. I feel like I wrote this myself. I have felt this way about 6 months now. I never thought this would be me. I thought I’d be the fun mom. Turns out I’m the “mean ol’ mommy” – I’m the one who says no all the time. I’m the one staying up until 2am and getting 4-5 hours of sleep each night just to have some peace and quiet time to myself. On top of being a toddler (first time) mom at 45 years old, I am caretaker for my MIL with early dementia, and my husband is basically an adult toddler himself. It is hard and I want (some) of my old life back. I needed this post today and believe God put it in my way so that I can see I am not alone in these feelings. Thank you!