reflections: the loss of autonomy

I’ve raised my voice at my kids. I’ve had adult temper tantrums. I’ve blamed my kids for my bad attitude and for sometimes just…doing things children do. I’ve had days where I didn’t like the way I showed up as a mom. I’m not as patient as I want to be. I’ve been so frustrated and annoyed and OVER IT.

I was telling my therapist about a particularly bad day — one where I blew it as a mom. I cried as I told her I don’t want to be like this — an angry “bad mom.” She gently said, “you’re not a bad mom. You’re not an angry person. I think you might be grieving the loss of your autonomy.”

It was an a-ha moment for me. I reach my limit easily because I’m craving independence. I’m grieving autonomy. My schedule is not my own. My time is not my own. My body is not my own.🤱🏼 My space is not my own. My decisions aren’t my own. I often have unrealistic expectations for what I can get done in a day while simultaneously taking care of two small children, which often leads to be projecting my disappointment, frustration, and anger out on them. I am giving so much to the people who are dependent on me and I want to get some of it back.

So what now? I own what happened and apologize to my kids after I lose it. I try to find time for myself, even if it’s just a few minutes. I lower my expectations for what I can accomplish. I embrace flexibility. I start again the next day. I give myself grace. ✨

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